In a world where we seem to be bombarded with bad news every time we turn on the television, bad news can happen closer to home. "Honey, I lost my job today", or "Honey, I'm having an affair" are the age old clichés. But what about another devastating statement that we don’t talk about as much?
What if you were to find out you were HIV positive, and faced with the frightening task of having to tell your partner? While you know that it is the right thing to do, and you are legally obligated to inform your sexual partners of your status, you cannot help but be fearful and nervous at their reaction.
Here are a few things to consider when faced with having to tell your partner you are HIV positive.
Pick the right time
Once you have made the decision to tell your partner you may be anxious to get it out in the open, but try and wait for the right time. Make sure you are in a safe space, that you are alone, and that you will not be interrupted.
Be honest
Tell your partner everything you know. If you know for sure how or where you contracted HIV, tell them. If there was infidelity involved, tell them. As hard as this may be to do, this will be one of those situations where they will likely appreciate your honesty at some point in the future, regardless of their initial reaction.
Allow your partner the opportunity to react to the news
This is probably one of the hardest and most terrifying steps, but it is also one of the most important. You have already taken time to process your diagnosis and what it means. Now you need to allow your partner that same processing time.
Your partner may feel any range of emotions; from angry, to sad, to confused, to all of the above. You need to allow him/her to have those emotions, and work through them. If they require space and time to cool off or process the information, grant them that.
Take the time to explain and answer questions
Once your partner has had a chance to process what you have just told them and you have come back together to discuss, explain to your partner all that you know pertaining to your current status. They are likely to be confused and to have a lot of questions, so do your best to clarify for them whatever you are able to.
Urge your partner to get tested
If you had unprotected sex with your partner before you knew your HIV status, it is important that he/she get tested as soon as possible. While your partner may be scared, nervous, or embarrassed about getting tested, explain to them the importance of finding out as soon as possible; and once again, offer them your support in doing so.
Work together to formulate a plan
Take things one step at a time. Work with your doctor on the physical and medical aspect of HIV such as treatments, medications, staying safe, etc. Don't neglect the emotional and mental aspects either. If your HIV+ status has caused problems between you and your partner but you have chosen to stay together, you might want to try to seek counselling together to work through things. If you and your partner have chosen to go your own separate ways, you can also consider accessing counselling by yourself. .
Develop a strong support network.
With your partner or on your own, it is absolutely crucial that you maintain a strong support network. Whether it be friends, family, or the staff and resources at AIDS Calgary, the bottom line is that you don’t have to be alone in this.
This guest post was submitted by Ana M. Saskowski. Ana is a full-time mom and part-time student living in Sylvan Lake. Her recent attendance at AIDS Calgary Core Training had a profound impact on her life and prompted her submissions to The A Word.
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