Life's Great Challenge

This blog was submitted by one of our clients. He is a GIPA volunteer blog writer. It’s his second blog entry and we wanted to thank him for sharing his story! For more information on the GIPA position available please check out http://www.aidscalgary.org/getinvolved/gipa.cfm

So I just found out that I was HIV positive and a new life would begin and not all of it wonderful to say the least, at times often difficult. I would often question God and ask myself why I was dealt such a crappy hand of cards. Was I being tested at how strong I was going to handle life? Darn right I thought I was being tested. If I would have known now the consequences of my insubordinate actions and the affect it had on my life I would have taken precautions if you know what I mean.

THE PHONE CALL
Let’s begin at my place of work. I was a birthday party planner at a leisure center and I had a lot on my mind - not that you could blame me at all. Not concentrating on my job one bit. You see, that was out of the norm for me as I always would give 110% of my work. I was walking to the elevator one afternoon at the leisure center thinking about the news that I had just received days before when suddenly from out of nowhere another employer came around the corner pushing a flat blue trolley with three big ice cream pales full of grease. Yes that's right, grease, and we collided. Well grease went everywhere and it took hours to clean. That made for a long day, and the day kept on that path of destruction. Near the end of the day just when I thought “oh thank goodness I made it through another rotten day”, there's a phone call for me. My grandmother is on the line. "Bobby". She says. "I just found out the news of your health, I am so sorry that happened to you". Now what I am going to say might or might not shock you but this set the path for the rest of my entire life. "I never thought I would have a grandchild that would die before me". She said this as sincerely as possible and I knew she meant well but I still took it to heart. I was speechless. I should mention my grandmother passed away two years ago, God rest her soul. So a bad day ended with a bad phone call but I let it slide. One bad day. Big deal.

THE DOCTORS APPOINTMENT
One comment from a family member; I was not going to let that affect my life, I had a plan. My first doctor’s appointment was a complete and utter bust. I was excited to start medication and carry on with my life. The doctor came in and she had asked me some formality questions. I answered the questions as quickly and honestly as I could. I was rambling on like I usually do when I am nervous and I mentioned something about school. Now folks I want to just say this like before; what I am about to say and let’s just say I should of taken my own advice. Don't let one stupid, stupid comment ruin or take control of your life like I let happen. Anyways, the doctor basically told me not to set my goals too high as I don't know how much time I would have to complete those goals. Well again I was floored by this comment, I didn't know what to say but “oh, okay”. Ever since those few comments I told myself I would never show any kind of weakness with my life. For years after I would do things for friends and family members, selfless things, things that wore me down, things that would make me tired. For years I neglected my medication because I was too busy helping everyone else around me. And all because of a few comments.

MY YEAR IN RUINS
I have been suffering from depression for about a year now. Let's just say I have done some completely ridiculous things over the year. Maybe it's because I am lonely or maybe it's because I am just after 12 years coming to terms with this disease. I let a few ignorant people get away with some horrible comments and it finally took hold of my life. It took control of the wheel. I am here to say I am taking back that wheel with a firm grip and never letting go again. I refuse to let anyone derail my plan again. Depression is a funny disease. It makes us do absolutely unimaginable things that we would never ever consider doing before the depression started. "Let me just tell you that I recently became a connoisseur of last looks, you know the kind of look that you know that will be the last time you see the person, I have been collecting those looks". (A quote from my favourite movie Elizabethtown). I too have been collecting these last looks over the year. To understand that quote I have to explain my year in ruins. My disaster. My tornado. And the way I see it we get one bad year out of our life to screw up, just one though. As somebody once said... “There is a difference between a failure... and a fiasco. A failure is simply the non-presence of success. Any fool can accomplish failure. But a fiasco... a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions; a fiasco is a folktale told to others to make others...that makes others feel more alive... because it didn't happen to them.” (Quoted again form Elizabethtown). Let’s start with my sisters kids. They were taken away from my sister because of drugs and neglect I believe, well whatever the reason they were taken away undeniably and unmistakably. They were taken away and put in the so called wonderful foster system. I had not even considered watching my sister’s kids. There were 4 children to watch and I had my daughter as well. 5 kids, are you crazy? I guess I was. When I found out that the two youngest children were being abused in one of the many foster homes that they were in I changed my mind immediately and took steps to watch all four children. The next thing I knew I was watching five kids over the year and neglected my meds again because I put my family's needs first. It wasn't until my grandmother passed away that things started taking a toll on my life. My best friend and high school love interest had gotten sick with cancer and she passed away as well at the young age of 32. I turned to drugs and alcohol. The social work and I came to the decision that I was stressed and needed to take some time for myself so my aunt and mom graciously took the kids for me. Next my depression of having HIV took me to a place I have never been before. My daughter and I moved in with her old day home worker and things were going well. However one night I invited a friend over and we decided to drug it up one night. Later that night we were done doing drugs and my friend wanted me to go get more drugs and the only transportation at the time was my roommate’s car. As I left the room I gave the girl I was with I think the last look I was talking about earlier. I disappeared for three days and did drugs and kept the car that was now reported stolen. My daughter in the meantime went to stay with her mom for a little while so I could take care of myself. Well the car was found with me in it and I was arrested for the first time ever in my life. Me arrested? Wow, a high school graduate, top of my class and all. After all that happened I quit drugs but I was still in and out of the hospital for depression and suicide. I was depressed for letting myself get HIV. I wasn't mad at the person who gave it to me, I was mad at myself for letting it happen. Throughout all of this I had collected a lot of last looks because I lost and hurt a lot of family and friends. My year really turned out to be a fiasco. I learned and lived through all of it!

IN CLOSING
I have one other thing on my mind. I had recently had another comment and this time it was way too close to home. I had told someone that I had written a blog for AIDS Calgary and that person asked me if I had put my name on it because of the family name. I said “Don't worry, I will not ruin your reputation”. I was hoping to hear “good for you” or “nice job” or anything to that affect. This kind of thing still goes on even in 2011. Maybe I and so many others can make a difference by standing out and blogging.

Yours truly Casanova (kidding)
AKA Bob