More often than not I have found that gay sex and its mechanics is a topic of curiosity for people—even for gay men. One of the most commonly asked questions are “how do you know if you like to just take it, or receive it?” The simple answer is to try both, and hopefully one will work out for you.
The more complex answer is that a person may not want to just take on one role; they may very well enjoy both. Whether or not a gay man “takes or receives it” is “fucked or fucker” is entirely dependent on the individual. Some prefer to be a “top” (penetrator), as the role of “bottom” (receiver) may not be pleasurable for several reasons: it could be painful as a man’s G-spot (the prostate) may not be adequately stimulated to provoke pleasure; a person may not like their anus being “prepared” for anal sex (i.e. having a lubed finger in their asshole to loosen up the sphincter); and some people feel overtly feminized if penetrated, preferring the more “manly,” empowering role of a top.
However, a lot of gay men are versatile, that is they enjoy being both a top and bottom while engaging in anal sex. Again, there are several factors at work when a gay man is deciding which role he chooses to perform if he is versatile. Although he may enjoy both roles he may play one repeatedly depending on his relationship. For instance, he may be in a relationship where his partner is strictly a top or strictly a bottom, and thus assumes the role opposite to his partner despite enjoying both. He may also choose his position based on how he feels during the moment—perhaps he hasn’t been a top for a while and wants to for this particular sexual escapade?
When someone identifies as being a versatile gay man it doesn’t mean they split their sexual encounters into 50% top and 50% bottom; they may not bottom for years and then decide one day that they want to. It doesn’t mean that they never enjoyed it until that moment but rather, they may have just been comfortable “topping.”
Gay sex is not complex unless you choose to make it so. And there are no rules or formalities. In fact the terms top and bottom can be applied to heterosexuals who ask me the majority of these questions—yes, some guys in heterosexual relationships like their female partner to put on a strap-on and fuck them! Choose what position you want and don’t be shy to switch it up if you have never tried one or the other. You don’t have to be exclusively in one role because of your partner or because you feel like you are being feminized.
No matter what, take it like a man, but make sure to give it like one too!
This is a guest post by Howard Fruitman. Mr. Fruitman was formerly the HEAT worker, doing gay men's outreach, at AIDS Calgary and now works for an AIDS Service Organization based in Ontario.
2 comments:
Useful post!
It seems to me that heterosexual curiosity in male on male sex is primarily motivated by the perceived sexual-political dimensions.
If it is generally assumed the male is the top in female and male pairings, people may be inclined to think male on male sex must lead to conflict or require some sort of complex system to manage. What does one do, for example, when there are two captains on the ship?
After reading your post, I hope people take the time to consider if they have any hierarchical assumptions about their own sexual practices and, if they do, ask why.
Thanks for your comment Sterling. I like the ship captain comparison!
I really like this post because I think that heterosexuals do have a lot of curiousity about gay sex.
And I feel like if we talk a bit more openly about these things it will help to reduce the mystery, and any fear, that comes up around this issue.
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